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Saying Goodbye to Our Layla

Wednesday, January 22, 2020


I wish I were here with some happier news, but as many of you know, we had to do something excruciatingly difficult last weekend: we had to say goodbye to our Layla girl. And before I "move on" to other topics here on the blog, I need to write about her because she has been the only thing on my mind and on my heart. The day after she passed away, I let the words pour out of my heart on Instagram (please request to follow as I keep my page private since I share so much about my kiddos), but with a week apart from her under my belt, I felt like I needed to expand on that eulogy-type post in this space, too. 

Some of you might remember that back in the early Spring, Layla (then 13) suffered what we thought was a seizure. In the couple of days after it, she would barely eat and could hardly walk and, honestly, I thought it was the end. I was beside myself thinking that something could take her so quickly and unexpectedly from us, and my heart was just completely unprepared. But things started to look up after a few days and she slowly improved. Layla was mostly back to her normal, old pup self throughout the summer months. Looking back on that time, it feels like a true gift. She got (and we got) to enjoy the warm, sunny days together -- she was able to romp and play in her yard, go for walks, come to the beach with us. And because of the scary seizure event, I felt like I appreciated my time with her even more... I didn't take one second for granted.




Fast forward to three weeks ago. 

It was Sunday morning and suddenly Layla had what we thought was another seizure, only this time it seemed much worse. It was terrifying because the girls were right there so we needed to balance our care and concern for Layla and still protect the little eyes that were looking on. You could tell that after that event she just wasn't herself. For the next two weeks she barely ate, had extreme difficulty getting up and walking, and staggered when she did walk. She laid around looking very tired and her breathing became labored. By last Saturday, it was clear that things were not going in the right direction and we needed to make an appointment at the vet to see what was happening with our girl.

What we learned that morning through an x-ray and ultrasound was that Layla had advanced Hemangiosarcoma, which is a malignant cancer that erodes the blood vessels. There was a large amount of blood surrounding Layla's heart and spleen. The vet essentially said that she was surprised that she had made it as long as she had considering how much blood there was. Layla's heart was enlarged to the point that it was dominating her chest cavity. Layla with "too big of a heart" ...imagine that. All of this explained the symptoms Layla seemed to be experiencing and why they were rapidly getting worse instead of better. She probably had days to live.

Steve and I took Layla home on Saturday and had to discuss something nobody who loves a dog deeply ever wants to discuss: when we should say goodbye. That night Layla seemed so unlike herself that I prayed she would make it through the night. We made the impossible decision the next morning that, if she had just days left, we did not want her to pass away alone one day when we were out dropping the kids off at school or running an errand. I wanted her to be surrounded by love and to know that I was by her side until the very end, just as she was always by mine.




We had to say goodbye to our girl last Sunday, January 12th. It was one of the hardest days of my life. Layla was my first baby and also my very best friend. There was a bond between us that I can't explain, except to say how very lucky I was to have had her beside me for almost 13 years. 

It's only been a little over a week so it still feels like it's not real. I still feel like she'll come home and I'll see her again. Her dishes are still in their spot and I instinctively reach to fill up her water bowl every time I pass them. Her toys are piled neatly in the basket with her name on it that she's had for a decade, including the new ones she just got for Christmas that she barely got to play with or cuddle. Despite reluctantly vacuuming multiple times, her hair is still everywhere (and I don't want it to go away). Her tennis balls are still in the back yard where she last left them. Her collar and her leash are still in the front basket by the door, ready for the walk we won't take. I've discovered how much food we drop on the ground in her absence... every crumb a reminder that she's not here. Coming home to an empty-feeling house is painful. And the silence. Layla wasn't a loud dog at all -- she'd rarely bark. But the house is deafeningly quiet without her. Her sweet presence filled it up with love, life, and excitement. Another living being to consider, to feed, to let out and to walk, to make appointments for, to buy food and toys for, to snuggle with and talk to... another member of our family who is no longer here.



I thought I saw her the other day. Just a quick glimpse of her golden little face laying, as she should be, in our family room in the midday sun. When I looked back, she was gone. Despite the emptiness I feel without her, I am trying to imagine that maybe -- just maybe -- all of those moments I think I see her or imagine what she'd be doing are ways of her telling me she's still with me. Those we love are only truly gone if we stop remembering them, right? In that case, my Layla will always, always be with me.




8 comments:

  1. I am in tears. So many tears. We had a scare with Walter last night and I couldn't stop thinking of your Layla and my other friends dog that recently passed. I was so scared and I am still scared. Sending you all the hugs friend. Losing a pet is like losing a child. The hurt is deep.

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    1. I'm so sorry for your scare -- it's the worst feeling! I hope he's doing better now. Thank you so much for your thoughts, hugs, and understanding. It has been such a hard two weeks.

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  2. Sweet, sweet Layla.. I’m so glad I had the opportunity to know her since (almost) day one. She was truly the most loving dog and gave the absolute best kisses & hugs. Although this brought a wave of tears and sadness as I read about her final days, I am reminded of how loved and happy she was. XoXo thank you for sharing ~ love you guys.

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    1. I am so, so glad too. <3 Thank you for missing her along with me, my friend. Love you.

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  3. My heart is broken for you. She was so beautiful and I know how much joy she brought you and your family. I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I wish there is something I could say or do. Your words about her are so genuine and I know how special she was to you. May her beautiful memories live on with you <3

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    1. Thank you so much, Sierra. That means a lot to me. Still missing her just as much three weeks later, but that's the price we pay for love. <3

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  4. Such a pretty dog. So very sorry for your loss. Seems like she was very loved.

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    1. Thank you so much. She was just adored and I miss her very, very much. Appreciate your kind words. <3

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